hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
