I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
