when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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