moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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