my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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