I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
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Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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