Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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