I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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