I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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