Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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