Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
