He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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