he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
