dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
