Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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