The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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