We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
