Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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