Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
