My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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