I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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