i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
