the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My vagina just clenched in fear
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
