and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
