How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
