Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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