dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Found your dick twin last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs