I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
