Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across