I'm laying in your front yard are you home
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
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Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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