If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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