Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
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I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
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I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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