When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
