so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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