True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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