If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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