I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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