he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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