I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
