also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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