i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
