So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
