Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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