dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
