you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
