Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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