I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My vagina is very pro this idea
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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