I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
