I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
