Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?