Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
