He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
