I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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