I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
