If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
